Recently there was an announcement from Alton Towers stating that they were considering implementing a Speedo ban at their water parks. Now while everyone can agree that Speedos are a bad thing, you can’t open a water park then complain when someone wears them. It’s like opening a Punk Rock store and being insulted when Goths show up. Nobody wants them but you were kinda asking for it. Oddly though this wasn’t the point in the statement that made me dramatically drop the cup I was holding. Alton Towers is also considering mandatory waxing on everyone wishing to use the water park to, and this isn’t a joke, “avoid unsightly body hair”. WHAT?! What in the name of all things holy is wrong with you people! I am proud of my hairy chest. Men should be proud of body hair. When did the pansies take over and try to tell us otherwise? And why the hell did we let them?
Men are shaving, waxing, and plucking more than women are these days. I’m not saying that a certain amount of grooming isn’t a good thing. It can help even the most ugly person look somewhat attractive. But this is just ridiculous. The point is that men don’t, and should never worry about their body hair. However, somehow I do not think chest hair is the problem here.
No, the good people at Dumbass Towers are talking about the back, sack and crack. There is no way in hell I will ever subjugate myself to such a ridiculous procedure, and for what? British squeamishness? They would need to offer me a hell of a lot more than some water slides to make me think that a full body wax is even close to worth it. And not just because it’s gay, but that shit looks painful. But, on top of that, they expect people to pay to get in? Do these people think anything through? Is there any sense left in the world?
But probably the most important questions are, who the hell cares and why is anyone listening to the asshole who cares in the first place. If people can see your hairy sack then there are larger issues involved than the hairiness of the ballbag. So that’s the sack and crack covered, no need to wax them, but what about the back? So some men have a hairy back, that just means they’re manly men. When did a hairy back become anti-'family friendly' anyway? Children don’t leave with emotional scarring whenever they see a bit of back hair. IT DOESN’T MATTER. You are a load of idiots and as long as you all stay at Big Blubbering Vagina Towers I will be happy. Because as long as you are there, and I am not, I will never have to meet you, thank God.
So to all you good people, to each of you standing proud for the rights of the overly sensitive, easily affronted mob of fools, you can bite my fuzzy ass.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Friday, 25 September 2009
Congratulations, you have just excelled at mediocrity
“Congratulations you’ve just created your email account”
Congratulations, you have just correctly entered your name in the box that says “name.” At what point in the ‘getting an email account’ process warrants a congratulations. Congratulations, you just swam the channel, congratulations you just finished a marathon. Hell, congratulations you just ate your weight in doughnuts, you now have diabetes you idiot, would still be valid. But at what point is a congratulations required for the most simplistic of tasks? Well it was touch and go there for a while but then I remembered what my name was.
Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe I missed the part of the form where you were required to cure cancer. But this just isn’t on the internet, where the crazy people live. The crazy people have forgotten to take their meds and have wandered out into the real world. Now mediocrity is being applauded and failure ignored until it leaves (all eyes turn to George Bush). You cannot argue with this. In America today the children involved in what we here call primary education are having graduation ceremonies each year. Congratulations, you learned your ABCs. Now I want those who are a bit slow to take a second. I am not wailing on little kids, it’s the dumb asses who think a graduation for the 4th Grade is anything other than a pointless exercise that, I think, should all be shipped to some hellhole. How about Milton Keynes?
Congratulations, you have just correctly entered your name in the box that says “name.” At what point in the ‘getting an email account’ process warrants a congratulations. Congratulations, you just swam the channel, congratulations you just finished a marathon. Hell, congratulations you just ate your weight in doughnuts, you now have diabetes you idiot, would still be valid. But at what point is a congratulations required for the most simplistic of tasks? Well it was touch and go there for a while but then I remembered what my name was.
Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe I missed the part of the form where you were required to cure cancer. But this just isn’t on the internet, where the crazy people live. The crazy people have forgotten to take their meds and have wandered out into the real world. Now mediocrity is being applauded and failure ignored until it leaves (all eyes turn to George Bush). You cannot argue with this. In America today the children involved in what we here call primary education are having graduation ceremonies each year. Congratulations, you learned your ABCs. Now I want those who are a bit slow to take a second. I am not wailing on little kids, it’s the dumb asses who think a graduation for the 4th Grade is anything other than a pointless exercise that, I think, should all be shipped to some hellhole. How about Milton Keynes?
My First Blog
Oh bollocks, what have I just done. You see for the last x number of years I have silently mocked people who blog. Its not even a real word and whoever tries to get it included in the dictionary, and it will inevitably happen, is going to find themselves at the pointy end of whatever I happen to be holding at the time.
It’s a stupid word that sounds like someone trying to speak while vomiting. There are so many fantastic words out there like pontificate, pommel and polyphagous. (I realised that, under the pressure of thinking of interesting words I drew a blank and so turned to the dictionary, I opened at P). But what did our generation come up with when a new word was needed. A brand new word for a brand new thing. Blog. I guess that’s what happens when you leave geeks in charge of something. At least it wasn’t called Kirking.
So now I’m out of university and unemployed. I am bored out of my mind on nearly a daily basis. So here I am. Writing something no one will read simply to have the pleasure of writing… a blog.
Oh bollocks, what have I just done.
It’s a stupid word that sounds like someone trying to speak while vomiting. There are so many fantastic words out there like pontificate, pommel and polyphagous. (I realised that, under the pressure of thinking of interesting words I drew a blank and so turned to the dictionary, I opened at P). But what did our generation come up with when a new word was needed. A brand new word for a brand new thing. Blog. I guess that’s what happens when you leave geeks in charge of something. At least it wasn’t called Kirking.
So now I’m out of university and unemployed. I am bored out of my mind on nearly a daily basis. So here I am. Writing something no one will read simply to have the pleasure of writing… a blog.
Oh bollocks, what have I just done.
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