Alton Towers Can Bite My Fuzzy Ass

Recently there was an announcement from Alton Towers stating that they were considering implementing a Speedo ban at their water parks. Now while everyone can agree that Speedos are a bad thing, you can’t open a water park then complain when someone wears them. It’s like opening a Punk Rock store and being insulted when Goths show up. Nobody wants them but you were kinda asking for it. Oddly though this wasn’t the point in the statement that made me dramatically drop the cup I was holding. Alton Towers is also considering mandatory waxing on everyone wishing to use the water park to, and this isn’t a joke, “avoid unsightly body hair”. WHAT?! What in the name of all things holy is wrong with you people! I am proud of my hairy chest. Men should be proud of body hair. When did the pansies take over and try to tell us otherwise? And why the hell did we let them?

Men are shaving, waxing, and plucking more than women are these days. I’m not saying that a certain amount of grooming isn’t a good thing. It can help even the most ugly person look somewhat attractive. But this is just ridiculous. The point is that men don’t, and should never worry about their body hair. However, somehow I do not think chest hair is the problem here.

No, the good people at Dumbass Towers are talking about the back, sack and crack. There is no way in hell I will ever subjugate myself to such a ridiculous procedure, and for what? British squeamishness? They would need to offer me a hell of a lot more than some water slides to make me think that a full body wax is even close to worth it. And not just because it’s gay, but that shit looks painful. But, on top of that, they expect people to pay to get in? Do these people think anything through? Is there any sense left in the world?

But probably the most important questions are, who the hell cares and why is anyone listening to the asshole who cares in the first place. If people can see your hairy sack then there are larger issues involved than the hairiness of the ballbag. So that’s the sack and crack covered, no need to wax them, but what about the back? So some men have a hairy back, that just means they’re manly men. When did a hairy back become anti-'family friendly' anyway? Children don’t leave with emotional scarring whenever they see a bit of back hair. IT DOESN’T MATTER. You are a load of idiots and as long as you all stay at Big Blubbering Vagina Towers I will be happy. Because as long as you are there, and I am not, I will never have to meet you, thank God.

So to all you good people, to each of you standing proud for the rights of the overly sensitive, easily affronted mob of fools, you can bite my fuzzy ass.