And they would have gotten away with it too...

Dear avid reader. If you are reading this then I am probably already dead. No you can not have my stereo. No you can’t have my DVDs. No, shut up and listen. I have discovered a diabolical plot, reaching into the highest echelons of the British Government. I have set this blog to post if I am not heard from.

It all began the morning of 7th November 2009 when I discovered that Prime Minister Gordon Brown was going to introduce a tax on transferring money from one bank account to another. Immediately I was lead to the question, why? Why is Gordon Brown proposing something that will be dismissed out of hand by the international community, opposed by the banks and eventually hurt the public, as the banks would inevitably transfer an increase in charges to the people? That’s when the answer hit me. Gordon Brown has developed a machine that will swap this world with the evil world from Star Trek, where everyone has a goatee and everything is the opposite. Gordon Brown has been trying to put his approval ratings into the single digits here for the last 2 years. When they get low enough he will activate the machine and then all of a sudden, bam, he has 90 percent approval. It was genius. But then I remembered how Star Trek is full of shit so it probably wasn’t that.

I was running out of time, raking my brains to try and figure out why the Prime Minister would keep on trying to get fired. Bailing out the banks, increasing taxes, a recession, out of control spending, increased bureaucracy with league tables for our most vital services, putting pressure on an already strained system for little or no reward. The railways and the water. The flu jab that kills you before you get the flu. It all pointed to one thing. Margaret Thatcher.

Suddenly I knew what was going on. Gordon Brown DID want to lose the next election. He wanted to lose it badly. It is the only way to make sure that the winners of the next election are the Conservatives, for David Cameron is not the mild mannered politician he led us to believe.

He is in fact...

a robot...

controlled by Margret Thatcher.

Think about it. That’s why he has no policies. If they reviled their policies it would be too easy to see the connection. That’s why, when he is pressed for a policy by the media, it looks like he is making it up on the spot. It’s exactly what Thatcher would do!

But why would Gordon Brown do this. The answer is deceptively simple. 30 years ago Mr Brown was recruited into a secret organisation known only as the secret organisation. Their goal was world domination but unfortunately, as the name suggests, they weren’t very imaginative and so could not come up with a plan to do this. As the years passed the secret organisation was left to linger, its previous members left as sleeper agents, its goals, unrealised. Until one day Margret Thatcher discovered this terrible dark secret. She made contact with the only surviving group of leaders from the secret organisation. The Gerbils. After a long negotiation the Gerbils realised that they had no choice but to do as Margret Thatcher demanded, to give her back the power she had lost only weeks before, or she would crush them under her heel. Over the next few years they have manoeuvred Gordon Brown into the position of power that Margret Thatcher so desperately wants so that come the next election he can tank and she can rise to power as David Cameron: ThatcherBot.
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Fig 1.1 Girbils, the last remaining power base of the secret organisation. Other commanders of the ‘SO’ were the dodos and Michel Jackson.

The 10 Commandments of FPS

And yay the lord sayith unto me, his humble sharpshooter, that I must take heed and tell all of:

The Ten Commandments of FPS

1. I am the lord your COD. You shall have no other CODs before me.

2. Thou shalt not play any gay French illegal copies. The story’s hard enough to follow already.

3. Respect thy team leader for it is he who givith life after you fuck up.

4. Do not steal your teammates supply drop you knob. It is a gift from the gaming gods and not meant for thine eyes.

5. Do not commit murder against your own team. They have a big green name over their heads. How much more of a clue do thou need?

6. Do not fire blindly when the match starts. It is the mark of a fool.

7. Shields are for pussies.

8. Do not sprint for the objective, for thou still wont get there before the other team and will get fucked up for thine trouble.

9. This is thou rifle, there are many like it but this one is gold.

10. The bomb is not a toy.

It’s Time for Change… Or is it?

Barack Obama has been President of the United States for exactly 9 months as I write this. His campaign was largely based on it being a time for change. I say largely because there were other aspects of the campaign that seemed to rely heavily on Bob the Builder.

“Can we fix it?”











He was elected with 365 Electoral College votes. For those living outside America and for the 50% of Americans who cant be bothered to find out how their political system works, here is a brief rundown.

Each state has a certain number of electoral votes. The number of electoral votes relates to the population in that state. If the majority of voters in that state vote for say, Barack Obama, then he gets the Electoral College votes from that state. There is a total of 538 with a simple majority needed to win a Presidential election. Got it? Ok, good.

So President Obama won and now, with the mandate given to him by the American people he can bring change to the country, right. Wrong. You see the rest of the world has this preconception that Americans are stupid and fat. Turns out the rest of the world was half right.

The problem, as I see it, is that President Obama ran on the promise of change. He won, so it is not a stretch to say that the American people wanted change too. Since he said he would bring change, and the people has said yes we want change, he then proceeded to put forward legislation to bring about change. At which point the American people decided really they didn’t want change. What they really wanted was to keep things just as they are.

Which, if you think about it is just about the most pants on head retarded thing that Americans have done in quite some time.

The big stick up the arse that the citizens of their great nation seem to have is that President Obama wants to make their health care better. And what is the argument against the betterment of their society?

That raisng the taxes “will lead America to ruin.” Fair enough, since if something is only broken for 50 million of your fellow citizens then its probably not worth fixing at all. Just a small side note, President Obama wants to raise taxes on the uber wealthy bankers that have got all of us into this recession in the first place, not you, the people throwing a fit in Washington DC. So what is your problem again?

Most of the time I try to ignore what the right has to say, but this time I’m quite enjoying it. Compared to the rest of the world America is nowhere near the top in education and health care. I don’t know where they are exactly, all I know is that we are higher.

And so is Costa Rica. You beat Slovenia though, so… yay.

But even if the red-necks do win they will then be faced with a much larger task than reforming health care.



Changing all the bumper stickers.

Brief Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

There are 2 distinct types of zombie. The more classic slow moving reanimated corpses and the new fangled fast moving ones. These are never seen together in the same apocalypse, mostly because they don’t get on at the parties. There are some hints and tips that are unique depending on the speed of the undead but some are relevant no mater what.

Some general tips and tricks.
Don’t live in a major population centre. These will be the first to fall as millions of undead wander the streets escape will become almost impossible. Just think, New York, you cant get out of that fucking place alive even when its filled with regular humans.

Stay ahead of the infection. Get away from towns and cities, if possible get out to sea and contact the navy. In situations like this, navel convoys will be the best hope for humanity. The downside of relying on seamen is the inevitable forced sodomy that will follow.

Don’t panic. So many people have died in a zombie movie because they panicked or hesitated. Screaming will only attract more of them. Stay calm, stay quiet, even if your dieing. So many people panic while in a car and crash, leaving them stranded with nothing but a conveniently placed mall to hide in. This can easily be avoided by letting the man drive.

If your own mothers reanimated corps is bearing down on you DON’T HESITATE. She’s dead, your doing everyone a favour. The plus side is that you don’t have to listen to her nagging anymore.

ALWAYS HAVE A SHOTGUN READY

Special Hints to Survive Slow Moving Zombies
-A brisk walk

Special Hints to Survive Fast Moving Zombies
-A brisk run, or alternatively a scooter.

Zombie plan for house 16 residents (2007-2008), because I care.
The front door will not hold for long as it will randomly open at some time during dinner. Timmy and Paddy will definitely die since their windows aren’t double glazing. I can escape out the back to safety while Niall can use the fire escape. One of us should activate the fire alarm to alert the others however they will all die shortly afterwards because nobody ever takes the fire alarms here seriously. This plan has the added bonus that Flo will be killed when she emerges from her heated office to investigate.
Niall and I will then escape out the back to safety using the pat-mobile along with Nick Neiller and a random black guy who everyone will immediately like but will be the first to die anyway.

Don’t vote, The Sun will make up your mind for you!

Last week the Sun declared that they were no longer supporting Labour and were now supporting the Conservatives. Bravo. I applaud how you think that you, as a newspaper, should decide who should be elected. It is a special kind of arrogance you have there. You clearly think you know more than the electorate. And more than that, I applaud how you have that balls to think that the electorate wasn’t going to notice that you just usurped their God given right to make decisions for themselves. Because if they had, you would be screwed.

You see the problem is that I believe the press should be neutral, or at least not openly voice allegiance for a particular party. They should provide an open, independent and neutral stance, giving the best and worst of each party and then letting the voters decide. I know this is an idealised view of how the media should operate, since any person will have a skewed viewpoint. I know that the Times will always be Conservative and the Guardian will always be Liberal in their stance and how they view any situation will be seen through that particular lens. But what the Sun has done crosses the line. They haven’t looked at a situation and given their opinion. They have openly said “we think this guy should win and you should vote for him.” Well good for you. You just proved you’re not just stupid, you’re arrogant too. Seriously, your heads are stuck so far up your collective asses, that lump in your throat is your nose.

Honestly, what more could you expect from this peace for trash. I have only had the occasional chance to read the sun. For this rare occasion to happen two requirements must be fulfilled. One, I must be bored out of my mind. Two, there must be no real papers available. What I have found on those rare occasions while waiting for my fish and chips is that the Suns writing stile more closely resembles a children’s novel than a newspaper. Here’s some pretty pictures and a title that rhymes and there are no big words in there so you don’t have to worry about that. Want to know about current affairs? Well we may get to that later, but first lets talk about Big Brother. So who’s the biggest cock this year?

But you know what, even if everyone realises how genuinely ignorant the writers at the Sun are it probably won’t affect sales. You see, the Sun has one last marketing pitch for just such an occasion.

I think the teenage boy market will keep them in business for years to come.

Alton Towers Can Bite My Fuzzy Ass

Recently there was an announcement from Alton Towers stating that they were considering implementing a Speedo ban at their water parks. Now while everyone can agree that Speedos are a bad thing, you can’t open a water park then complain when someone wears them. It’s like opening a Punk Rock store and being insulted when Goths show up. Nobody wants them but you were kinda asking for it. Oddly though this wasn’t the point in the statement that made me dramatically drop the cup I was holding. Alton Towers is also considering mandatory waxing on everyone wishing to use the water park to, and this isn’t a joke, “avoid unsightly body hair”. WHAT?! What in the name of all things holy is wrong with you people! I am proud of my hairy chest. Men should be proud of body hair. When did the pansies take over and try to tell us otherwise? And why the hell did we let them?

Men are shaving, waxing, and plucking more than women are these days. I’m not saying that a certain amount of grooming isn’t a good thing. It can help even the most ugly person look somewhat attractive. But this is just ridiculous. The point is that men don’t, and should never worry about their body hair. However, somehow I do not think chest hair is the problem here.

No, the good people at Dumbass Towers are talking about the back, sack and crack. There is no way in hell I will ever subjugate myself to such a ridiculous procedure, and for what? British squeamishness? They would need to offer me a hell of a lot more than some water slides to make me think that a full body wax is even close to worth it. And not just because it’s gay, but that shit looks painful. But, on top of that, they expect people to pay to get in? Do these people think anything through? Is there any sense left in the world?

But probably the most important questions are, who the hell cares and why is anyone listening to the asshole who cares in the first place. If people can see your hairy sack then there are larger issues involved than the hairiness of the ballbag. So that’s the sack and crack covered, no need to wax them, but what about the back? So some men have a hairy back, that just means they’re manly men. When did a hairy back become anti-'family friendly' anyway? Children don’t leave with emotional scarring whenever they see a bit of back hair. IT DOESN’T MATTER. You are a load of idiots and as long as you all stay at Big Blubbering Vagina Towers I will be happy. Because as long as you are there, and I am not, I will never have to meet you, thank God.

So to all you good people, to each of you standing proud for the rights of the overly sensitive, easily affronted mob of fools, you can bite my fuzzy ass.

Congratulations, you have just excelled at mediocrity

“Congratulations you’ve just created your email account”

Congratulations, you have just correctly entered your name in the box that says “name.” At what point in the ‘getting an email account’ process warrants a congratulations. Congratulations, you just swam the channel, congratulations you just finished a marathon. Hell, congratulations you just ate your weight in doughnuts, you now have diabetes you idiot, would still be valid. But at what point is a congratulations required for the most simplistic of tasks? Well it was touch and go there for a while but then I remembered what my name was.

Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe I missed the part of the form where you were required to cure cancer. But this just isn’t on the internet, where the crazy people live. The crazy people have forgotten to take their meds and have wandered out into the real world. Now mediocrity is being applauded and failure ignored until it leaves (all eyes turn to George Bush). You cannot argue with this. In America today the children involved in what we here call primary education are having graduation ceremonies each year. Congratulations, you learned your ABCs. Now I want those who are a bit slow to take a second. I am not wailing on little kids, it’s the dumb asses who think a graduation for the 4th Grade is anything other than a pointless exercise that, I think, should all be shipped to some hellhole. How about Milton Keynes?