It’s Time for Change… Or is it?

Barack Obama has been President of the United States for exactly 9 months as I write this. His campaign was largely based on it being a time for change. I say largely because there were other aspects of the campaign that seemed to rely heavily on Bob the Builder.

“Can we fix it?”











He was elected with 365 Electoral College votes. For those living outside America and for the 50% of Americans who cant be bothered to find out how their political system works, here is a brief rundown.

Each state has a certain number of electoral votes. The number of electoral votes relates to the population in that state. If the majority of voters in that state vote for say, Barack Obama, then he gets the Electoral College votes from that state. There is a total of 538 with a simple majority needed to win a Presidential election. Got it? Ok, good.

So President Obama won and now, with the mandate given to him by the American people he can bring change to the country, right. Wrong. You see the rest of the world has this preconception that Americans are stupid and fat. Turns out the rest of the world was half right.

The problem, as I see it, is that President Obama ran on the promise of change. He won, so it is not a stretch to say that the American people wanted change too. Since he said he would bring change, and the people has said yes we want change, he then proceeded to put forward legislation to bring about change. At which point the American people decided really they didn’t want change. What they really wanted was to keep things just as they are.

Which, if you think about it is just about the most pants on head retarded thing that Americans have done in quite some time.

The big stick up the arse that the citizens of their great nation seem to have is that President Obama wants to make their health care better. And what is the argument against the betterment of their society?

That raisng the taxes “will lead America to ruin.” Fair enough, since if something is only broken for 50 million of your fellow citizens then its probably not worth fixing at all. Just a small side note, President Obama wants to raise taxes on the uber wealthy bankers that have got all of us into this recession in the first place, not you, the people throwing a fit in Washington DC. So what is your problem again?

Most of the time I try to ignore what the right has to say, but this time I’m quite enjoying it. Compared to the rest of the world America is nowhere near the top in education and health care. I don’t know where they are exactly, all I know is that we are higher.

And so is Costa Rica. You beat Slovenia though, so… yay.

But even if the red-necks do win they will then be faced with a much larger task than reforming health care.



Changing all the bumper stickers.

Brief Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

There are 2 distinct types of zombie. The more classic slow moving reanimated corpses and the new fangled fast moving ones. These are never seen together in the same apocalypse, mostly because they don’t get on at the parties. There are some hints and tips that are unique depending on the speed of the undead but some are relevant no mater what.

Some general tips and tricks.
Don’t live in a major population centre. These will be the first to fall as millions of undead wander the streets escape will become almost impossible. Just think, New York, you cant get out of that fucking place alive even when its filled with regular humans.

Stay ahead of the infection. Get away from towns and cities, if possible get out to sea and contact the navy. In situations like this, navel convoys will be the best hope for humanity. The downside of relying on seamen is the inevitable forced sodomy that will follow.

Don’t panic. So many people have died in a zombie movie because they panicked or hesitated. Screaming will only attract more of them. Stay calm, stay quiet, even if your dieing. So many people panic while in a car and crash, leaving them stranded with nothing but a conveniently placed mall to hide in. This can easily be avoided by letting the man drive.

If your own mothers reanimated corps is bearing down on you DON’T HESITATE. She’s dead, your doing everyone a favour. The plus side is that you don’t have to listen to her nagging anymore.

ALWAYS HAVE A SHOTGUN READY

Special Hints to Survive Slow Moving Zombies
-A brisk walk

Special Hints to Survive Fast Moving Zombies
-A brisk run, or alternatively a scooter.

Zombie plan for house 16 residents (2007-2008), because I care.
The front door will not hold for long as it will randomly open at some time during dinner. Timmy and Paddy will definitely die since their windows aren’t double glazing. I can escape out the back to safety while Niall can use the fire escape. One of us should activate the fire alarm to alert the others however they will all die shortly afterwards because nobody ever takes the fire alarms here seriously. This plan has the added bonus that Flo will be killed when she emerges from her heated office to investigate.
Niall and I will then escape out the back to safety using the pat-mobile along with Nick Neiller and a random black guy who everyone will immediately like but will be the first to die anyway.

Don’t vote, The Sun will make up your mind for you!

Last week the Sun declared that they were no longer supporting Labour and were now supporting the Conservatives. Bravo. I applaud how you think that you, as a newspaper, should decide who should be elected. It is a special kind of arrogance you have there. You clearly think you know more than the electorate. And more than that, I applaud how you have that balls to think that the electorate wasn’t going to notice that you just usurped their God given right to make decisions for themselves. Because if they had, you would be screwed.

You see the problem is that I believe the press should be neutral, or at least not openly voice allegiance for a particular party. They should provide an open, independent and neutral stance, giving the best and worst of each party and then letting the voters decide. I know this is an idealised view of how the media should operate, since any person will have a skewed viewpoint. I know that the Times will always be Conservative and the Guardian will always be Liberal in their stance and how they view any situation will be seen through that particular lens. But what the Sun has done crosses the line. They haven’t looked at a situation and given their opinion. They have openly said “we think this guy should win and you should vote for him.” Well good for you. You just proved you’re not just stupid, you’re arrogant too. Seriously, your heads are stuck so far up your collective asses, that lump in your throat is your nose.

Honestly, what more could you expect from this peace for trash. I have only had the occasional chance to read the sun. For this rare occasion to happen two requirements must be fulfilled. One, I must be bored out of my mind. Two, there must be no real papers available. What I have found on those rare occasions while waiting for my fish and chips is that the Suns writing stile more closely resembles a children’s novel than a newspaper. Here’s some pretty pictures and a title that rhymes and there are no big words in there so you don’t have to worry about that. Want to know about current affairs? Well we may get to that later, but first lets talk about Big Brother. So who’s the biggest cock this year?

But you know what, even if everyone realises how genuinely ignorant the writers at the Sun are it probably won’t affect sales. You see, the Sun has one last marketing pitch for just such an occasion.

I think the teenage boy market will keep them in business for years to come.