Brief Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

There are 2 distinct types of zombie. The more classic slow moving reanimated corpses and the new fangled fast moving ones. These are never seen together in the same apocalypse, mostly because they don’t get on at the parties. There are some hints and tips that are unique depending on the speed of the undead but some are relevant no mater what.

Some general tips and tricks.
Don’t live in a major population centre. These will be the first to fall as millions of undead wander the streets escape will become almost impossible. Just think, New York, you cant get out of that fucking place alive even when its filled with regular humans.

Stay ahead of the infection. Get away from towns and cities, if possible get out to sea and contact the navy. In situations like this, navel convoys will be the best hope for humanity. The downside of relying on seamen is the inevitable forced sodomy that will follow.

Don’t panic. So many people have died in a zombie movie because they panicked or hesitated. Screaming will only attract more of them. Stay calm, stay quiet, even if your dieing. So many people panic while in a car and crash, leaving them stranded with nothing but a conveniently placed mall to hide in. This can easily be avoided by letting the man drive.

If your own mothers reanimated corps is bearing down on you DON’T HESITATE. She’s dead, your doing everyone a favour. The plus side is that you don’t have to listen to her nagging anymore.

ALWAYS HAVE A SHOTGUN READY

Special Hints to Survive Slow Moving Zombies
-A brisk walk

Special Hints to Survive Fast Moving Zombies
-A brisk run, or alternatively a scooter.

Zombie plan for house 16 residents (2007-2008), because I care.
The front door will not hold for long as it will randomly open at some time during dinner. Timmy and Paddy will definitely die since their windows aren’t double glazing. I can escape out the back to safety while Niall can use the fire escape. One of us should activate the fire alarm to alert the others however they will all die shortly afterwards because nobody ever takes the fire alarms here seriously. This plan has the added bonus that Flo will be killed when she emerges from her heated office to investigate.
Niall and I will then escape out the back to safety using the pat-mobile along with Nick Neiller and a random black guy who everyone will immediately like but will be the first to die anyway.